JOKES TO IMPROVE YOUR ENGLISH!

Here you have some jokes I've found in a web for English students:
http://www.englishclub.com/esl-jokes/index.htm

"An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying: “everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds little Johnny stood up. “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?” the teacher asked. “No, Miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

God and the man: a man visits God and says, 'God, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?' God says, 'No, ask me anything at all.' So the man says, 'God, you've been around for a very long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand years?' God replies, 'For me, a thousand years is only five minutes.' The man then says, 'That's interesting God. And, for you, how much is a million dollars?' God replies, 'For me, a million dollars is only five cents.' The man says, 'Really? Well then God, could you lend me five cents please?' God looks at the man, smiles, and says, 'Of course my son, just wait five minutes!'

If you enjoyed these jokes you can find much more in the web mentioned above. Have fun!

CARTOONS

http://galleryoftheabsurd.typead.com

Have you ever visited this website? It is the blog of a very famous cartoonist from the USA. She not only paints current star celebrities, but also politicians and religious people. Her irreverent portraits are published in The New York Times and The New York Post.

Some time ago I read an article about her and I entered her website. It is really funny and a good way to learn English! She is the best comic artist I've ever known.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

William Shakespeare represents the highest point of English literature and possibly one of the highest of all world literature, as everybody acknowledges. He was an outstanding poet, playwright, player and theatre shareholder. Born in Stratford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire (England) in 1564, Shakespeare was the third son of a quite well-off family. For this reason, and although there are no surviving records of this period, it is thought that he was likely educated at the King’s New School, above all in Latin grammar and the classics.

At the age of eighteen Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, who was twenty-six. They arranged the ceremony in haste because Ann was three months pregnant. Their first son was a girl called Susanna and less than two years later Ann had twins: Hammet, who died at the age of eleven, and Judith. Unfortunately, nowadays there are no direct living descendants of the genius.

Probably around 1585 Shakespeare moved to London with his family to begin a successful career as an actor, writer and part-owner of the leading company The Lord Chamberlain’s Men, later known as The King’s Men. There he produced his best comedies, for example The Comedy of Errors; histories, like Henry IV and also tragedies, such as Hamlet, King Lear and Macbeth, just to mention some of the best-known ones.

It is widely believed that the dramatist retired to his native village some years before his death, although he went on visiting London and had constant contact with the theatre scene. William Shakespeare died in April 1616 and was buried in the chancel of the Holy Trinity Church two days after his death. Beside his grave, his family erected in his memory a bust of him in the act of writing. He was much admired in his own lifetime, and even some of his colleagues considered him a serious rival. Luckily, he lived for and from his work, what was very difficult in his time.

His works have been translated into almost all languages and his plays are continually being performed all throughout the world. This gives an idea of the importance and greatness of this author, who has influenced and still influences many writers of our time with his revolutionary techniques. Shakespeare themes deal with love, honour, respect, revenge, etc. His topics are universal and up-to-date, such as the idea of the never-ending love seen in the well-known Romeo and Juliet. His plots entertain and, what is more, have no expire date because they still interest our teenagers, despite considering him difficult to read or even boring. But if we introduce them to him, they will surely end up enjoying his writings.

THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN BUYING YOUR OWN HOME

Every person’s final dream is to live in a house of their own. But buying a home may be one of the biggest decisions you will ever make. It is a serious commitment because you are choosing the place where you are going to live, maybe for ever. So, take the time to think about your decision carefully. The house you buy says a great deal about you, your income, your goals and what you expect in the future. When buying a house, there are certain rules and considerations to follow if you do not want to take unnecessary risks. Below there are a few guidelines you should follow before you make up your mind.

Things to consider when buying a house:

1. The first thing you should do is to ask yourself how long you are planning to stay there. That means, are you planning to stay five or more years, for example? Or are you just passing through because you hope to eventually move somewhere else? If you are going to stay in one place at least five years, buying a house makes much more sense than renting it. Otherwise, you might want to consider waiting to buy one in the place you end up living longer

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2. Other important factors to take into account are the location of the house, its size and its price, in order to determine exactly what you want. First of all, the house location should be good. It is important that your new house should be near service centres such as hospitals, schools and markets. Second, the size of the house should be appropriate for your family. For example, if your family is large, it will be difficult to live comfortably in a small house. And third, the price is an important point. Buying a house can range from the affordable to the very expensive, depending on the location and the features of the house. For example, a house located within the city costs more than living in the suburbs or in small towns.

3. Think honestly about how much you can afford. To do it, write out how much you earn and subtract all your costs, including costs you will have as a new homeowner, such as taxes, insurances or bills. That way you will find how much you can pay for a mortgage every month.

4. When you already know what you want, the next question is how you can find it. First, decide if you want to buy directly from the owner or if you want the experience, advice and service that a estate agent can provide. If you decide to buy directly from the owner, look for advertisements in the newspapers. But if you turn to an estate agent, he will search for your perfect house. Once you find the house you like, your agent will take care of the details of the sale. Normally the agent's commission is paid by the seller, so you won't have to pay the agent. Be aware that the agent's fees may be reflected in a slightly higher price for the property. A third way of buying a house is looking for it in the internet. There are different websites that give you details of houses all over the world. Finally, you may also go to a public rental housing agency.

5. Try to visit several banks to negotiate the mortgage and compare their offers. If that doesn’t work well with you, there are a number of financing and crediting firms that you can approach.

Deciding whether to buy your home may be one of the biggest decisions you will ever make. Do not rush into it. Use this leaflet to think of advantages and disadvantages of buying or renting a house. As you can see, there are many things that go into a home-buying decision.